Soos Wars
by PBFF
Summary: It's the day you've been waiting for: the greatest fanfiction of all time is here. An army of laser sharks with Bill at the helm is invading Gravity Falls, and it is up to Soos to lead the ultimate final battle against them. Together with his firends he must quest to find the key to defeating the alien menace...a FOURTH JOURNAL? Prepare for the crtically acclaimed hit Soos Wars.
1. Chapter 1

Soos was spending a day playing his favorite video game: Super Space Fights. He had reached the final boss, Lord Bader.

"Aw dude, this is gonna be so raaaaaad." Soos remarked as began to press buttons seemingly at random. His character, Lee Spacerunner, began to attack wildly at the main boss.

Suddenly, the electricity went out. The tv went to black, and the Soos favorite lava lamp stopped glowing.

"Aw come on." Soos complained. "I was just about to laser cut him with my rad laser sword. That would've been so rad."

Soos looked around his room for a few seconds. His abuelita was out satiating her gambling addiction by playing Texas Hold Em out with her other old lady friends.

He decided to go to the Mystery Shack. Surely Stan and the author of the journals, his brother. After all, Stan always said the author was an enormous nerd.

On his way to the shack, Soos reckoned that the author of the journals line could make an awesome meme. He also recognized that that was a really poor attempt He also noticed that it was darker than usual.

In a few minutes Soos had arrived at the Shack. The entire Pines family was up in the gift shop, mostly pointing at the sky and gaping.

"What the heck is that?!" Screamed Mabel, Stan, and Dipper. Ford rapidly flipped through each of his journals in turn.

"I don't understand, I thought I had something in here," Ford yelled. Gosh he was such a nerd.

"What's up dudes. I hope your guys' day is going rad."

"Soos, what are you doing here?!" Dipper yelled.

"Oh you know me dude. Just hangin', being totally rad."

"Soos you have to get back to your home!" Mabel cried.

"Oh come on dudes. My electricity went tout, and that's not rad at all."

"Soos, you've already used the word rad six different times in this chapter!" Stan yelled.

"Well dude, this is just gonna be the raddest fanfiction ever."

"Enough foruth wall jokes! Look!" cried Ford. Jeez what an enourmous dork.

Soos began to notice things in the sky. Large things. Reaaly large things. Really large things that happened to be half robot and have lasers attached to them.

"Dude, are those...laser sharks?!"

Indeed, Soos was correct. An enourmous foeet was descending upon the smal Oregon town. One shark snapped its large pink maw as the jetpack fitted into the robot part of the shark gently lowered it down.

"Guys what the **** are laser sharks doing here?!And why was my curse word bleeped out?!"

We're trying to keep this PG, Soos.

Soos pulled his hat down on his head. He grabbed his favorite shovel.

"Guys...it's time to beat up laser sharks and look totally rad while doing it."

With an Indian chief whoop, Soos ran into the battle as the first sharks reached ground level. He hit the first shark over the head with his trusty shovel, then jumped on another shark and ripped out its eye, also with the shovel. "YOU GUYS JUST GOT SHOVELED!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to punch a third shark repeatedly. With a final dying robot noise, the shark fell to the ground. Soos leapt behind the shark as he began to take laser fire from other sharks.

Soos pulled out a grenade that had been in his pocket the whole time and threw it at a group of five sharks. The shark all exploded into an explosion, robot and shark bits flying everywhere. Soos then pulled out a pistol and began firing at another shark. The shark returned fire, the laser setting the shark Soos was hiding behind on fire. Soos fell back while shotting the shark, dodging lasers left and right. Eventually he hit the sharks red glowing robot eye, and it began to short out. Soos dived out of the way as the way as the shark crashed into the ground and exploded.

Soos stood there, panting among the remains of about tennlaser sharks. He turned to the Pines who gave him a look of utmost respect.

"C'mon guys," Soos said, basically making him the leader. "We gotta head into town to help them defend against the laser sharks!"


	2. Chapter 2

The entire town was in a frenzy. Most of Main Street was on fire from laser beam blasts. Sharks growled and people screamed. Toby Determined ran around wildly, microphone in hand.

"This is Toby Determined, reporting live from Sharkgate 2015. A large army of cyborg sharks with laser guns and jet packs affixed to their backs has invaded Gravity Falls." Behind Toby, a shark bit into a car. It's gas tank began to leak and was hit by laser fire, sending both the car and the shark up in an enormous explosion, leaving a giant crater.

Meanwhile, outside the biker joint, Manly Dan was engaged in hand to fin combat with a shark. Manly Dan uppercut the shark twice, leaving a small dent in the metal half pf the sharks face. The red robot eye of the shark fixed itself on Manly Dan.

Manly Dan screamed at the shark incoherently in a way that obviously meant that he wouldn't let any shark near his family or his town. The shark roared and lunged at Manly Dan, grabbing the lumber jack between its enormous sets of teeth. Manly Dan's ax dropped to the ground as he was swallowed whole by the shark.

Soos arrived at the scene of the invasion. "Dude, that's a really rad amount of fire. Man these sharks are really pretty powerful don't you think." The Pines family was silent behind him.

A shark divebombed the group. With a yell, Stan hit the shark upside the head with his magic 8 ball cane. He then knocked off the shark's robot eye with the ball end of the cane.

"Hocus pocus!" he quipped.

Stan then leapt up and stabbed the shark through the head with the tip of his cane. He pulled the cane out and leapt to the side as the shark crashed to the ground and exploded.

Ford (gosh what a nerd) began firing his laser gun from the other dimension at the sharks. Several sharks exploded in mid air.

Dipper tried punching a shark himself, but missed and fell on the ground. Mabel used him as a launching pad and karate chopped the shark in the neck. The shark collided into Greasy's Diner and exploded, taking the diner with it.

"YOU JUST GOT SERVED SUCKA!" Mabel screamed.

Soos was leading the fight, beating back sharks with his shovel in one hand and firing at them with a pistol in the other hand. His weapons, however, didn't seem to be as effective as they had been before. The shovel and bullets barely made a dent on the sharks.

"Uh, dudes? I think there's something going on. My attacks on the sharks aren't nearly as rad as they used to be."

"They're communicating." Ford said nerdily. "They must have a hive mind allowing them to upgrade themselves, to make them nearly invulnerable to attack."

"Oh come on dude, that's totally not-"

"Soos watch out!" Dipper screamed. He sounded like a five year old.

Soos turned around and in the nick of time ducked underneath the maw pf a lunging shark. He quickly shoved his shovel in between the sharks jaws, keeping them open. The shark attempted to bite down, but only drove the shovel into its brain circuitry. The red light faded from its artificial eye and the creature crashed to the ground.

Suddenly the group was barraged from laser fire from behind.

"Guys, I think those sharks I killed so radly back at the Shack regenerated!" Soos yelled over the din.

"We have to get out of here!" Ford yelled. Seriously, how much of a dork could a fifty something year old man be?

"Dudes, follow me!" Soos yelled.

The group ran down the fiery remains of what had omce been Gravity Falls' Main Street. Finally, Soos found what he was looking for; a red Cadillac Escalade driver that a mustached man was desperately trying to start. Soos ran up to the car and opened the driver's door.

"What the-?" the man said, but before he could say more Soos threw him across the street, where a laser shark flew by and swallowed him whole.

"Soos!" Mabel yelled.

"No time to argue dudes. Come om. We can go over to my place. We should be safe there."

When everybody was in, Soos revved the engine and drove towards his house at full speed.


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as they began to speed away, the sharks immediately began to cluster around the new 2016 Cadillac Escalade, with four wheel drive and 22 miles per gallon highway. A burst of lasers was fired from all the sharks simultaneously. Luckily, their aim was bad enough for Soos to dodge their attacks of fiery death. When he came to Gopher Place, he made a sharp left turn. The Pines screamed. A piece of concrete exploded in front of them, which Soos expertly dodged. A couple of laser shots managed to hit the back of the car and the rear windshield exploded into a thousand tiny pieces. Dipper picked up a submachine gun off the floor of the car and began returning fire at the sharks, along with his great uncle Ford. Dipper managed to hit one shark with a barrage of machine gun fire, and it crashed into another shark, both of them covering a small area with pieces of circuitry and shark. Unfortunately for Ford, the sharks had adapted to his laser gun, which was now bouncing harmlessly off of them. One blast bounced off of a shark and hit a car, which flipped into a nearby house, both of which blew up and set on fire.

"Ha, I guess your nerdy gun wasn't rad enough to beat those sharks, Mr. Ford dude." Soos remarked, laughing.

"Could we go three chapters without you or the narrator calling me a nerd?!" Ford yelled.

But as Soos was distracted, the car was hit on the side, completely destorying the driver's side doors and causing Soos to swerve off course, straight into someone's house.

The Cadillac Escalade-which comes in several awesome colors such as red, silver, blue, and many more-crashed through the houses living room wall, where the family that clearly had no knowledge of events outside were being a good family watching tv together. Luckily, Soos and the Pines saved them from having terrible taste in TV for their whole lives by crashing into the tv, which was in the middle of a Jesse marathon, thus sparing them from the abject horror of watching a plain awful Disney Channel sitcom. Unfortunately, before the family could do anything useful with this, they were immediately vaporized by several laser sharks.

The car burst through the wall into a nice dining room, with a mahogany table laid with a lace tablecloth and fine silverware. The Escalade rolled through that, shattering the table into several hundred pieces of wood. It then drove through the glass back door, knocking down the screen door with it.

As the Cadillac Escalade burst into the backyard, Soos swerved in order to dodge the large pool the family had. Several laser shots caused the pool to evaporate.

The Escalade somehow survived all of that and driving through the wooden fence. The Cadillac Escalade can also drive through your tough every day conditions like snow sleet and rain.

With an audible and cartoony tire screech, Soos made a sharp left turn and sped down the road. His house was close by. So were the laser sharks. There were now at least 29 of them following the car, absolutely battering it with lasers. One shark dipped down and began to viciously swing it's head, trying to hit the car. Mabel threw a hatchet at it, which caused it to fly away.

Soos pulled another grenade out of his pocket, pulled the pin out with his teeth. He threw it into the wide open mouth of a low flying shark.

The explosion was spectacular. You really had to be there.

Soon, the group came to Soos's house. He quickly stopped the car and he and the Pines all got out. Soos pulled a crossbow out and fired a volley of arrows at the sharks. Several sharks were hit squarely, and they crashed into each other. The result was basically an enourmous firework, but with more sharks involved.

Soos and the Pines retreated inside the house and locked the doors behind them.

"Dudes, I think we're safe. For now."


	4. Chapter 4

Far above Gravity Falls was the enormous laser shark mothership. Laser shark soldiers darted in and out of the enormous machine as orders were issued. The entire structure was shaped not like a laser shark, but rather a laser megalodon, which had gone extinct on the planet of the laser sharks millions of years ago.

In the inner sanctum, at the very center of the ship, the king of the laser sharks sat in his throne, dreaming.

He was dreaming that he was swimming through oceans tainted red by the blood of the fallen town below him. Suddenly a really bright light, almost as if it were a really bright light, shone though the redness of bloocean (it's a combination of blood and ocean). Then a triangular form appeared, almost equilateral but not quite. It was none other than Bill Cipher.

"HEY THERE LASER SHARK KING. HOW'S THE DESTRUCTION OF GRAVITY FALLS COMING?" asked the dream demon.

"They will fall to us soon." King Artscowex (cause that's his name) replied.

"GEE THAT'S GREAT. JUST REMEMBER OUR DEAL. YOU KEEP GRAVITY FALLS AS LONG AS YOU GIVE ME THE INTERDIMENSIONAL RIFT WHEN YOU FIND IT."

"Of course, there is no need to remind me." replied the king as he stared at a picture of his family. He hoped they were alright back home.

"YEAH YOU BETTER BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I'M GOING TO MURDER YOUR ENTIRE RACE!" Bill giggled. What a jokester. "NO BUT REALLY, I WILL MURDER YOUR ENTIRE RACE."

Bill spun away in a spinning motion and disappeared with a poof.

Artscowex woke up.

"Sir, we have almost nearly funded our project on Kickstarter." his military advisor informed him.

"I need some breakfast before I deal with professional matters." the king replied.

"Of course sir."

King Artscowex poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms contain many of the vitamins and minerals that your kids need in order to start off their day right. Just put it in a bowl, pour milk over it, and serve. Lucky Charms is an essential part of a balanced breakfast. Available at your local grocery store.

After devouring his delicious Lucky Charms cereal, the king returned to his throne room to meet with his advisors. "How is the project coming along?"

"The project goes well." an advisor replied. "But sir, it isn't safe to fuse so many of the laser sharks together."

"Nonsense. They'll be fine."

"As you wish my king." the advisor bowed his head.

"How goes the destruction of Gravity Falls?" Artscowex inquired.

We have destroyed half the city. By tomorrow it should be ours."

"Excellent. That will be all, gentlemen."

As his advisors left, the king thought about his life and what had led to this moment. He remmbered becoming king after his father had died in the battle with the last megalodon. He remembered killing his first clownfish. He remembered meeting his wife. He sighed. He loved his family so much. He wondered about his daughter, Zaswenteriquillotile, and his son, Bob. He sighed. He hoped they were doing all right.

"Sir we still haven't any sign of the object you've been asking about." It was one of his advisors. "This rift..."

"FND IT, FISHDANGIT." the king yelled.

"Y-yes of course sir."

As the final advisor left, the king's eyes narrowed. He would get that rift: one way, or another.

XXXXXXXX

Soos finished nailing the last board to the door. "There! These four boards on the door should keep the laser shark army out!"

Ford pushed his glasses up on his nose. He looked around, as if he expected the narrator to point out his nerdiness.

"We need to come up with a plan on how to beat the laser sharks." the author remarked. "Luckily, I may have a way to..."

"Guys, we should totally watch a movie." Soos suggested.

"SOOS WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ALIEN INVASION THIS IS NO TIME FOR WATCHINGMO-"

"Dude, it's too late. This already a narrative tangent that's totally happening."

Ford sighed.

"Guys we're gonna watch Kickboss. It's like the raddest movie of all time. You guys are gonna love it."

Soos popped in the dvd and Kickboss began to play.


End file.
